are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
