i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
