im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
