Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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