Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
