you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
