he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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