On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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