Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
