I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Randomize
