i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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