Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Randomize
