Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
