Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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