Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
