Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
