a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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