its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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