do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
