Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
