Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
