is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
