The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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