I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
