She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
