I think I died a long time ago.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
