my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
