we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i drank out of a bidet.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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