I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
