Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
