If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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