i think my tv is drunk
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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