Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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