Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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