I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
