if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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