I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
