Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
