So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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