I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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