I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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