also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
