Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
