i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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