My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
