Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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