So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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