i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
