A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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