So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
