I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
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